Nic.Diff

2013-01-26

I need to start writing again. To filter my thoughts and feelings about things. To set aside my real goals and aspirations. To look past how I feel today in order to better tomorrow.

It seems as though anytime I come on here it’s when I’m fighting with someone and I’m trying to sort out my own head. Which is a good thing. Isn’t that the point of writing?! I just feel guilty because I’m trying to stay positive and my entire blog is practically all negative.

I know when I’ve done wrong & hurt others. I’m aware of my own character defects & I’m able to, for the most part, stop things before they get outta hand or own up to my shit. I’m just very drained in that no matter what, things will always be my fault because my past has proven so. That even when it’s someone else “how dare you not accept my apology, I always accepted yours before”. It’s not about that. It’s the fact that they can’t see past what used to be. The fact that regardless of all my attempts at bettering myself, shit still happens. The fact that no matter what, no one else is willing to own up to their shit. I’m tired of it being thrown back at me, or hearing all the excuses. Bottom line. There’s nothing more I can do to change without some sort of change happening on the opposite end. But the willingness isn’t there, so if I accept the apology I’m accepting that from that point on, no matter what happens, it’ll be my fault. & I refuse to do so.

Have I talked shit on people?! Sure! Who hasn’t said something negative or judgmental about someone?! We all play into it. Mostly when we feel comfortable doing so (ie when others are or after a fight).

My philosophy is: what others think about me is none of my business. Much like if I have a problem with someone, it’ll never get fixed unless I say something. Well, I can’t fix or do anything about the situation if they don’t want to come to me about it. I understand the mentality one might have thinking they’re being a good person in mediating the situation, but ultimately it always only makes matters worse. I learned that the hard way many a times.

I guess at this point idk what to do & maybe I won’t do anything. My side of things are cleared up & I can move forward happily.

2012-11-15

Last post got cut off :(!

I said it much more eloquently before, but since it didn’t go through and I have no idea what I said:

Things happen for a reason & if things were never resolved before or there was no attempt in trying to make things better, why force it now?! It take honesty, being humble, willingness & the action of changing to truly make things better. Without those things, anything that you attempt to do will only fall back to square one. I have the people I love & need most in my life because I worked on myself and was willing to try to keep them in my life. It shouldn’t take any amount of push. Some things happen for a reason. Let them. Because I know when I try to take control of life, it spirals out of control.

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A lot has changed since my last post. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve had shit hit the fan & I’ve had the most amazing experiences of my life. Most recently is what I would like to turn my focus on.

Everyday I’ve learned to be grateful for something, someone, some place. Grateful-ness doesn’t just come once a year during November or when something tragic happens. It comes every single day, as it should for everyone. I don’t react to things the same as others & I find peace in knowing that what’s meant to be will be. I have to. Or I’ll drive myself insane wondering “why? How? When?” Etc.

An amazing person in my life was taken. She was the most beautiful person, inside & out. She taught everyone a little about honesty, being humble, integrity and how to let go of drama. I love her & I will always miss & remember her

2012-08-20

Sometimes we make decisions and we know it’s the right or wrong one. Yet sometimes we make them and were still unsure.

I made a decision last week that in some ways I’m still battling. Idk if it’s regret, feeling unsure, or just missing them but it’ll pass. I keep seeing things like “when people walk out of your life, let them because obviously they didn’t mean much” etc. it kinda hurts and makes me think.

I’ll go with what I know. I know I only hurt people. I know certain people are fake and untrustworthy and my life is better without them just as theirs is better without me. I know I miss certain people but maybe it is best I stay out of their lives. I know I’m trying to better myself and my life and certain things and situations will never be safe or okay or understood. I can’t help what I am. I can only fix what I do and say. I know I took things too far but i also know it was bound to happen at some point. I know that deep down I hate every bit of myself. And I know that’s why I’m so fucked up. I have no sense of security or confidence. I don’t believe anyone or trust at all because I can’t even fool myself into believing I’m worth anything at all. Most think it’s. Pity thing. I wish. I wish it was an act that I can snap out of but it’s the main cause of half my insanity—-I don’t believe a phase or act could cause the shit I have. I myself can cause the shit I have. I know I need people in my life & plenty of people know me, know both ends of things and keep telling me I’m doing the right thing. I’m just not convinced 100% like I thought I’d be.

Maybe I’ll talk to someone. Idk.

2012-08-01

I’ve recently been battling with my faith in anything. People, places & things. I have no sort of good history in a belief of God. And when I begin to believe in people I always feel let down. I’m not sitting here saying people have to be and are meant to be perfect. I can accept and forgive imperfections. But to constantly feel let down, time in and time out, because of the same reason or by the exact same people, it makes me feel I’m wasting time.

I’m in a “fellowship” that holds true to the values of integrity, honesty, humility etc. Old timers, people with years on them, have raved about things such as “if I don’t show up people ask about me. I don’t show up to a bar and no one even notices”. I hear stories from them about how when they went through a rough patch those in the groups helped them. Came by, called, etc.

I hate to include all, but it’s easier to be general. I don’t see that. I see people purposely not help cuz it’ll cause “resentment” instead of doin it out of pure kindness. I see people judging. I don’t show up?! I know who’s gonna ask for me & its not even the people I hangout with. I get calls but I can bet you 90% of them are either a) no one else answered b) boredom c) they overheard something & wanted the details. I feel calling and texting is a score. What happened?! Where’s the fellowship?! I barely even wanna go anymore. My own old sponsor doesn’t ask about me. It’s almost sickening.

I’m not perfect. I judge. I don’t always keep in touch. Hell I’d rather not answer the phone. But I call myself out on it and look within and it’s usually something wrong with me. Either I don’t wanna answer cuz I don’t think it’ll help or I’m lazy. I’m judging cuz I know they have one of my character defects that I have yet to work on so it’s a constant, bad reminder. Idk. I can always revert it back to me & I honestly feel like 9 outta 10 times I can work on it and make it better.

I also get that life happens and gets in the way. It’s one reason I don’t keep in touch well enough. But I will and have put forth effort. In some way shape or form. I know it. And I do it cuz I thought about them that day and immediately acted on it. I think about people who don’t show up. I worry. I ask around or make contact. Most of this blog is written because I’ve been thinking of people I haven’t really heard from in a while and I dont wanna be the one putting in all the effort to maintain a friendship that clearly doesn’t exist.

I lost faith in a higher power a while back. I had faith in this fellowship&my new friends & I truly feel let down. Let down because of selfishness & ignorance. & maybe it’s my fault for not speaking up. But if you’re friends, shouldn’t you just know or care enough to ask?! I do. Not perfectly, but I do. It’s just ironic that we go into the fellowship being selfish and feeling in control & were supposed to be humbled by the fact that we aren’t #1, we need help and we don’t have control. Yet recently, everyone’s been thinking like they’re #1. Something I can’t relate to cuz I never was or will be #1. I have quite the opposite ego……

2012-07-26

Anymore I find myself constantly judgin people. I’m unsure if it’s insecurity or the fact that I’m realizing how much I’m growing and those around me aren’t. Maybe it’s both! Mixed with a little jealousy. Idk.

One friend I judge cuz I personally believe they are a fucking moron who will never get their mistakes.

Another I feel is so terrible to be around because they lie an cheat and just a terrible all around person.

Another is not only dumb AF for repetitively going back with their ex but acts hard and it’s so annoying. It seems like they could throw a punch but HOneStLY?! Go ahead. Beat my ass. What’s its gonna prove in the end?! Merely the fact that you’re a child who can throw a punch.

Another is soo obsessed with attention that they post provocative pics for the world to see and feels justified because the body is like art. Or is inflamed by the idea that if you have it, flaunt it & haters are just jealous. No I hate because it’s about tact & class and please. Show your tits and pussy all over the Internet and what’s left special for the person you love?!

I could go on. I HAVE been. It’s not ok. Maybe I just need to vent it and let it go. Idk. But I guess the fact I’m willing to admit I’m at fault is still good.

2012-07-24

One simple move & it could be all over. The pain. The fear. Everything. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve anything. Cannot wait til I’m completely rid of it all. Cannot wait til I’m finally at peace.

2012-06-30

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2012-06-23

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That random moment when you get really horny & everything just turns you on

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