I need to start writing again. To filter my thoughts and feelings about things. To set aside my real goals and aspirations. To look past how I feel today in order to better tomorrow.
It seems as though anytime I come on here it’s when I’m fighting with someone and I’m trying to sort out my own head. Which is a good thing. Isn’t that the point of writing?! I just feel guilty because I’m trying to stay positive and my entire blog is practically all negative.
I know when I’ve done wrong & hurt others. I’m aware of my own character defects & I’m able to, for the most part, stop things before they get outta hand or own up to my shit. I’m just very drained in that no matter what, things will always be my fault because my past has proven so. That even when it’s someone else “how dare you not accept my apology, I always accepted yours before”. It’s not about that. It’s the fact that they can’t see past what used to be. The fact that regardless of all my attempts at bettering myself, shit still happens. The fact that no matter what, no one else is willing to own up to their shit. I’m tired of it being thrown back at me, or hearing all the excuses. Bottom line. There’s nothing more I can do to change without some sort of change happening on the opposite end. But the willingness isn’t there, so if I accept the apology I’m accepting that from that point on, no matter what happens, it’ll be my fault. & I refuse to do so.
Have I talked shit on people?! Sure! Who hasn’t said something negative or judgmental about someone?! We all play into it. Mostly when we feel comfortable doing so (ie when others are or after a fight).
My philosophy is: what others think about me is none of my business. Much like if I have a problem with someone, it’ll never get fixed unless I say something. Well, I can’t fix or do anything about the situation if they don’t want to come to me about it. I understand the mentality one might have thinking they’re being a good person in mediating the situation, but ultimately it always only makes matters worse. I learned that the hard way many a times.
I guess at this point idk what to do & maybe I won’t do anything. My side of things are cleared up & I can move forward happily.