Im going to post this under the circumstances that I need to write. Do not judge me for my punctuation, my spelling and so on. I need to process my thoughts and spew them all over the blank canvas to see how crazy or sane I am.
I havent been doing well. SHOCKER! I seem to always and pretty much only write the most when things are going well. I am trying to be a much more positive person who likes to look at things as a lesson learned or a growing experience. However, recent things have been piling and consuming me to the point where I am not totally sure what to do next, where my heads at and how to exactly sort everything. HENCE! I write.
My job has totally and completely consumed every part of me. I got promoted *yay!* but ever since Ive been lied to, deceived, pushed into and felt totally disrespected. They do not understand how hard I work and how much I care and put into that job, regardless of my attitude. YES! I have an attitude problem. It is BECAUSE they dont appreciate me and bullshit me over and over again. I had yet to get my promotion raise, my schedule that was set BEFORE promoted was completely bulldozed and as a direct result of working and caring more about my job for 40hrs a week my schooling has suffered. Yes, Ill admit, I am lazy AF. I would much rather see my friends and do nothing or go on an adventure than spend 1 minute studying or doing a paper. However, I have no neglected my school work. I just have been pre-occupied. My stress level has been through the roof and I have been either screaming and getting angry with my loved ones, crying in hysterics or just allowing all my emotions to fester. None of these are good options to choose from in terms of how to handle everything. Thats actually quite obvious.
My inner workings have been telling me that I need to devote my time on my schooling (duh!) and get that back up before I completely ruin my chances of ever graduating in the next year and a half. It also told me that I need to quit my job, so, I did. I put my two weeks in and tomorrow is my very last shift that I will be working at that god forsaken hell whole. I cannot wait. I know that everyone is replaceable and they probably wont remember my name a year from now, but it makes me extremely happy that I know, without a single ounce of doubt, that for a few weeks they will struggle and ruin themselves trying to do everything I did in that store. On top of, they already havent accounted for the people theyve already lost, and are only on the verge of losing more and more. So I hope the continuous bs they keep dishing out drives out the rest of their best employees to totally destruct the store. Now, thats perhaps a bit harsh and not realistic. However, its something they themselves need to come to terms with if they do not change themselves ASAP.
Regardless of my harsh feelings towards that place, I do feel a little bit less stressed over everything else. I feel as though without working, I have much more time to work on my schooling and that I can infact turn that around. If not, it wont be for a lack of trying. I also know that I will have much more time for my program which I am starting to believe has an impact on all aspects of my life. As much as I get frustrated and dont want to believe it works, I do think that when I was working with a sponsor and going to more meetings, I was much more centered and capable of overcoming dumb situations such as those I have been dealing with.
The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is family.
I have never been very close to my family. Scratch that. When I was younger, before everyone went off to highschool, my family was fairly close. We all ate dinner together, we all talked and went to each others events etc. Im not totally sure what changed our family dynamic but everyone because an individual and my older siblings became much more distant from me. Of course, as Ive spoken of before, my sister thats just ahead of me (in terms of age) has always been my closest family member. We get each other. We arent afraid to be ourselves with each other and we say how we feel. Even shes been distant recently and I know most of it is because of me because I do not get along with my parents for the same reasons she never did and she can most relate and help me, but because she now has a closer relationship with them I guess she just wants me to get over my issues with them. However, I cant. Not like her. Her problems were always on going and apparent to my parents, whether they decided to address them and help or not was irrelevant. They knew she was always “special”. I guess for me, its a new concept. Its “out of nowhere” that I became an alcoholic and addict who needed serious counceling. But, to me, had they been the same parent to me as they were to the older siblings, they would not have been shocked. In fact, had they tried more, instead of pushing me to the wayside because I was “an easy child before”, they would have seen it coming from a mile away and wouldnt have any issues handling or helping me. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have always been considered an “easy child” bc I handled my problems on my own and anything else they basically just bailed me out of. But now I blame them for this. I dont feel like an adequate human being, capable of being an independent individual, because of all of the things I have been through and how they raised me. They do not understand my level of understanding and coping with school, work etc.
With school I have always succeeded. Until college. Why? Because in middle school my mother was a teacher at my school and any time I had a test or quiz she would vicously search through the copy box to see if my teachers put the test or quiz in there to be copied and returned. 9/10 times it was there and she would jot down the questions and bring them home. I can remember always hoping and praying shed find it just so I wouldnt have to study. But what kind of sick fuck was I? Much less, what kind of sick fuck was my mother believing this was a proper way to raise her child? Highschool I did not have the same advantage, but I suppose common sense, help from friends and the fact that I easily bs-ed everything is what helped me get through it. I always did well so I obviously had some sort of smarts haha. But now I am in college and going to class, reading, doing assignment are all up to discretion. I am not “forced” or “coerced” anymore. Just as usual, my parents thought I was handling everything and I always just flew under the radar about stuff. I remained out of trouble and quiet so they never knew what was going on. Now I have this literal hatred and anger towards them. They force me to push through things which I should have the mentality to do, but to me, their force is personally motivated. I dont trust they want me to do well for ME, rather to do well so I am out of their hair. My mother has always been one to be more worried about how people view her than the reality of the situation and how it affects others, especially her kids. Her motivation behind helping me in middleschool was so she wouldnt look bad around her co-workers. She forever tried to keep all our family “secrets” on the hush, even with other family members, so they would not look poorly upon her or the rest of us. I am so disgusted by this in general and even more so because it is my own mothers thought process.
I am beginning to rant and ramble for the sake of it. My point is, I have a lot of anger and aggression towards my parents and it is not helping in my current issues because while I am trying to go to them for help and guidance, they do not seem very invested or interested in helping. They just want to push me towards the next person who might help. For instance, my stress caused me to lash out at them because instead of helping or being understanding of my situation, they assumed the worst of me, assuming I wasnt trying in school and I was focusing more on my girlfriend and friends. They assumed I didnt care and that I was just trying to be blatantly cruel and rude to them. SO! They called my therapist to “tell on me” and wanted my therapist to deal with it. Which to me is not the proper way of handling things.
I understand this is a lot of personal info and description but I need to see these thoughts and ideas on paper. I need to have them in front of me to read and re-read. If not to better or change NOW, to see as a progression later. I just wish my family dynamic was better. I wish my schooling was going better. I wish a lot of things. Sometimes that I wasnt even me and in these situations. :(