Nic.Diff

I need to start writing again. To filter my thoughts and feelings about things. To set aside my real...

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 08:52:39 -0500

I need to start writing again. To filter my thoughts and feelings about things. To set aside my real goals and aspirations. To look past how I feel today in order to better tomorrow.

It seems as though anytime I come on here it’s when I’m fighting with someone and I’m trying to sort out my own head. Which is a good thing. Isn’t that the point of writing?! I just feel guilty because I’m trying to stay positive and my entire blog is practically all negative.

I know when I’ve done wrong & hurt others. I’m aware of my own character defects & I’m able to, for the most part, stop things before they get outta hand or own up to my shit. I’m just very drained in that no matter what, things will always be my fault because my past has proven so. That even when it’s someone else “how dare you not accept my apology, I always accepted yours before”. It’s not about that. It’s the fact that they can’t see past what used to be. The fact that regardless of all my attempts at bettering myself, shit still happens. The fact that no matter what, no one else is willing to own up to their shit. I’m tired of it being thrown back at me, or hearing all the excuses. Bottom line. There’s nothing more I can do to change without some sort of change happening on the opposite end. But the willingness isn’t there, so if I accept the apology I’m accepting that from that point on, no matter what happens, it’ll be my fault. & I refuse to do so.

Have I talked shit on people?! Sure! Who hasn’t said something negative or judgmental about someone?! We all play into it. Mostly when we feel comfortable doing so (ie when others are or after a fight).

My philosophy is: what others think about me is none of my business. Much like if I have a problem with someone, it’ll never get fixed unless I say something. Well, I can’t fix or do anything about the situation if they don’t want to come to me about it. I understand the mentality one might have thinking they’re being a good person in mediating the situation, but ultimately it always only makes matters worse. I learned that the hard way many a times.

I guess at this point idk what to do & maybe I won’t do anything. My side of things are cleared up & I can move forward happily.

Last post got cut off :(! I said it much more eloquently before, but since it didn’t go...

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 08:28:40 -0500

Last post got cut off :(!

I said it much more eloquently before, but since it didn’t go through and I have no idea what I said:

Things happen for a reason & if things were never resolved before or there was no attempt in trying to make things better, why force it now?! It take honesty, being humble, willingness & the action of changing to truly make things better. Without those things, anything that you attempt to do will only fall back to square one. I have the people I love & need most in my life because I worked on myself and was willing to try to keep them in my life. It shouldn’t take any amount of push. Some things happen for a reason. Let them. Because I know when I try to take control of life, it spirals out of control.

A lot has changed since my last post. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve had shit hit...

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 08:18:11 -0500

A lot has changed since my last post. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve had shit hit the fan & I’ve had the most amazing experiences of my life. Most recently is what I would like to turn my focus on.

Everyday I’ve learned to be grateful for something, someone, some place. Grateful-ness doesn’t just come once a year during November or when something tragic happens. It comes every single day, as it should for everyone. I don’t react to things the same as others & I find peace in knowing that what’s meant to be will be. I have to. Or I’ll drive myself insane wondering “why? How? When?” Etc.

An amazing person in my life was taken. She was the most beautiful person, inside & out. She taught everyone a little about honesty, being humble, integrity and how to let go of drama. I love her & I will always miss & remember her

Sometimes we make decisions and we know it’s the right or wrong one. Yet sometimes we make them and...

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 10:54:33 -0400

Sometimes we make decisions and we know it’s the right or wrong one. Yet sometimes we make them and were still unsure.

I made a decision last week that in some ways I’m still battling. Idk if it’s regret, feeling unsure, or just missing them but it’ll pass. I keep seeing things like “when people walk out of your life, let them because obviously they didn’t mean much” etc. it kinda hurts and makes me think.

I’ll go with what I know. I know I only hurt people. I know certain people are fake and untrustworthy and my life is better without them just as theirs is better without me. I know I miss certain people but maybe it is best I stay out of their lives. I know I’m trying to better myself and my life and certain things and situations will never be safe or okay or understood. I can’t help what I am. I can only fix what I do and say. I know I took things too far but i also know it was bound to happen at some point. I know that deep down I hate every bit of myself. And I know that’s why I’m so fucked up. I have no sense of security or confidence. I don’t believe anyone or trust at all because I can’t even fool myself into believing I’m worth anything at all. Most think it’s. Pity thing. I wish. I wish it was an act that I can snap out of but it’s the main cause of half my insanity—-I don’t believe a phase or act could cause the shit I have. I myself can cause the shit I have. I know I need people in my life & plenty of people know me, know both ends of things and keep telling me I’m doing the right thing. I’m just not convinced 100% like I thought I’d be.

Maybe I’ll talk to someone. Idk.

I’ve recently been battling with my faith in anything. People, places & things. I have no sort...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 02:49:36 -0400

I’ve recently been battling with my faith in anything. People, places & things. I have no sort of good history in a belief of God. And when I begin to believe in people I always feel let down. I’m not sitting here saying people have to be and are meant to be perfect. I can accept and forgive imperfections. But to constantly feel let down, time in and time out, because of the same reason or by the exact same people, it makes me feel I’m wasting time.

I’m in a “fellowship” that holds true to the values of integrity, honesty, humility etc. Old timers, people with years on them, have raved about things such as “if I don’t show up people ask about me. I don’t show up to a bar and no one even notices”. I hear stories from them about how when they went through a rough patch those in the groups helped them. Came by, called, etc.

I hate to include all, but it’s easier to be general. I don’t see that. I see people purposely not help cuz it’ll cause “resentment” instead of doin it out of pure kindness. I see people judging. I don’t show up?! I know who’s gonna ask for me & its not even the people I hangout with. I get calls but I can bet you 90% of them are either a) no one else answered b) boredom c) they overheard something & wanted the details. I feel calling and texting is a score. What happened?! Where’s the fellowship?! I barely even wanna go anymore. My own old sponsor doesn’t ask about me. It’s almost sickening.

I’m not perfect. I judge. I don’t always keep in touch. Hell I’d rather not answer the phone. But I call myself out on it and look within and it’s usually something wrong with me. Either I don’t wanna answer cuz I don’t think it’ll help or I’m lazy. I’m judging cuz I know they have one of my character defects that I have yet to work on so it’s a constant, bad reminder. Idk. I can always revert it back to me & I honestly feel like 9 outta 10 times I can work on it and make it better.

I also get that life happens and gets in the way. It’s one reason I don’t keep in touch well enough. But I will and have put forth effort. In some way shape or form. I know it. And I do it cuz I thought about them that day and immediately acted on it. I think about people who don’t show up. I worry. I ask around or make contact. Most of this blog is written because I’ve been thinking of people I haven’t really heard from in a while and I dont wanna be the one putting in all the effort to maintain a friendship that clearly doesn’t exist.

I lost faith in a higher power a while back. I had faith in this fellowship&my new friends & I truly feel let down. Let down because of selfishness & ignorance. & maybe it’s my fault for not speaking up. But if you’re friends, shouldn’t you just know or care enough to ask?! I do. Not perfectly, but I do. It’s just ironic that we go into the fellowship being selfish and feeling in control & were supposed to be humbled by the fact that we aren’t #1, we need help and we don’t have control. Yet recently, everyone’s been thinking like they’re #1. Something I can’t relate to cuz I never was or will be #1. I have quite the opposite ego……

Anymore I find myself constantly judgin people. I’m unsure if it’s insecurity or the fact that I’m...

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 19:22:40 -0400

Anymore I find myself constantly judgin people. I’m unsure if it’s insecurity or the fact that I’m realizing how much I’m growing and those around me aren’t. Maybe it’s both! Mixed with a little jealousy. Idk.

One friend I judge cuz I personally believe they are a fucking moron who will never get their mistakes.

Another I feel is so terrible to be around because they lie an cheat and just a terrible all around person.

Another is not only dumb AF for repetitively going back with their ex but acts hard and it’s so annoying. It seems like they could throw a punch but HOneStLY?! Go ahead. Beat my ass. What’s its gonna prove in the end?! Merely the fact that you’re a child who can throw a punch.

Another is soo obsessed with attention that they post provocative pics for the world to see and feels justified because the body is like art. Or is inflamed by the idea that if you have it, flaunt it & haters are just jealous. No I hate because it’s about tact & class and please. Show your tits and pussy all over the Internet and what’s left special for the person you love?!

I could go on. I HAVE been. It’s not ok. Maybe I just need to vent it and let it go. Idk. But I guess the fact I’m willing to admit I’m at fault is still good.

One simple move & it could be all over. The pain. The fear. Everything. I don’t deserve...

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 22:31:39 -0400

One simple move & it could be all over. The pain. The fear. Everything. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve anything. Cannot wait til I’m completely rid of it all. Cannot wait til I’m finally at peace.

prettyandpunk:

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 13:17:04 -0400

prettyandpunk:

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Sat, 23 Jun 2012 21:10:51 -0400

That random moment when you get really horny & everything just turns you on

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 20:15:51 -0400

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Thu, 21 Jun 2012 00:20:00 -0400

I have the most amazing girlfriend in the entire world!! Just one look can make me melt or turn on...

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 01:39:10 -0400

I have the most amazing girlfriend in the entire world!! Just one look can make me melt or turn on instantly :) what I love most: we know how to be everything for each other. Sarcastic, silly, weird, playful, frisky, serious, helpful, understanding, hopeful, raunchy, innocent etc. we play into and vibe off each other. (though usually one sided 😖) if both of us aren’t in the right mood one of us sucks it up to help the other. We’re open and honest. We try to learn more about each other. I try to push her buttons to remind her of what she’s getting herself into :P !! Muahahahaha and yes we’ve had our moments but we rarely have them last more than hour, if that. Love is real. Love is your best friend whom you can’t live without. :D

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Mon, 28 May 2012 09:40:12 -0400

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Sun, 27 May 2012 00:16:51 -0400

I never knew what true love&trust was until a few months ago. True love doesn’t...

Sun, 27 May 2012 00:15:56 -0400

I never knew what true love&trust was until a few months ago. True love doesn’t discriminate or judge or look at just personality or looks. It’s based on connection & willingness. I never understood how “ugly” people got the gorgeous ones & so forth. But love doesn’t care about that. To me my bby is the sexiest, most amazing person I’ve ever met & when others say it it only makes me feel that much better because I realize once again I have a true and rare and REAL diamond:) she’s so smart, determined, hilarious, goofy, dorky, goal oriented, a family girl, loves with her whole heart & can make anyone smile or feel better. I love her more and more each moment of each day. I’d trust her with my life without thinking twice. That’s HUGE for me. She’s my bestest friend & I do believe that fate brought me to her! I never want her out of my life. It’s so sad, but I miss her & I saw her a half hour ago. It’s blowing my mind these emotions and feelings I have but I love it!! I love that the worst feeling I have is missing her until I see her again. She’s my everything. I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to push her away. I never want her to feel less than because she deserves the world on a silver platter!

Shed a little light

Fri, 25 May 2012 00:18:28 -0400

Tonight I got the answer I needed. Not one I wanted to hear & definitely know it’ll be tough. But it’s the answer I absolutely have to put to action.

Topic:friendship
Answer:true friends won’t put you down or hold you back
Action:put an end to the ones who bring me down.

Rehearsal: listen. You’ve been a great friend to me but besides smoking or drinking, what more do we have in common?! You have no drive. No motivation. You act the same as you did years ago and you’ve gotten no further. I’m not better than you but I do want better. I’ve already admitted I have a problem but I’m getting the solution. Look at yourself. Do you still want this years from now or do you want better?! And if you want better are you even willing to suggest that maybe you have a problem and addressing it will help you get ahead?! I’m not one to lecture. But if your answers are no to any of those, I simply have no business being friends with you. If you ever need someone to talk or are in a jam, keep my number and be in touch, but I don’t want to hangout anymore.

It sounds harsh. But there’s really no other way to put it. Suggestions?!

So fed up

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:44:15 -0400

I constantly find myself in situations where I miss people who obviously dont care at all about me.

I know I havent always been the best of friends to some people. Some of you have slipped through the cracks and I try to reach out when I can and others I literally have no idea whats going on. I guess Im just sick of trying so hard to be your friend, thinking we still are regardless that we havent talked in a while, and I get no response at all to you any time I reach out. Whats the deal? Why not just talk to me and tell me whats going on? Why cant you just be honest? If youre sick of my “shit” or dont wanna be friends, tell me. Grow up, deal with problems as they come at you, and be 100%. Its bullshit I sit and wonder and worry and try when I can just to get that kind of treatment. And, yes, from my stance, thats how it is. Life happens, I cant help my schedule, and when shit hits the fan it hits the fan. Im sorry if you feel its an “all the time” deal or whatever. Obviously I hangout if and when I can and have proven that many times over. But ya know what? Im done. Peace !

Life seems so much easier when you stay outta people’s lives. You’re entitled to your...

Fri, 18 May 2012 00:33:28 -0400

Life seems so much easier when you stay outta people’s lives. You’re entitled to your opinion and you can judge all you want. But always know one of two things. A) Any judgement is a reflection of self. B) anything you say can&will affect whoever is listening to you & their lives. To explain B a little—an example is: you say something bad about someone to a friend who doesn’t know them, most likely theyll never talk to that person & they’ll never have their own opinion. And depending on the situation, you never know if you’re avoiding a best friend, lover, or someone to learn from. We’re human, but at least catch yourself and/or make ammends if&when you DO judge someone. :)

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Wed, 16 May 2012 20:47:18 -0400

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Wed, 16 May 2012 20:47:12 -0400